I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
