i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
