cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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