Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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