I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
