You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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