why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
