I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The air was thick with penises
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
