I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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