I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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