I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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