I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
