Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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