I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
