You can't special order awesome
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
