My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
