My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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