I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
