as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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