I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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