did you get engaged???
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I will pee on everything he values.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
