I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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