my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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