Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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