is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize