I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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