Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
