I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
