i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
