dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
