My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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