who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
