the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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