um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
