My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize