I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
