My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize