Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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