so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
