Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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