I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
