i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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