I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
