I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
