i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Say something about gay babies.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Life is so much better after having sex.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
