my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
