Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
