This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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