Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize