What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
