i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize