I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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