I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
