My cat gives me a boner
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
