Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We smell like vodka and hangover
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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