then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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