Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
