yo everyone went to the hospital last night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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