it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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